The Thanksgiving back then was a feeling of a gathering storm, and a desperate hoping it would pass by. But days later it hit and nothing was left unchanged. The following December, Christmas, and January held little to celebrate. Each day seemed to bring more darkness than the day before. Christmas didn’t feel like a time to rejoice the coming of the King of Kings, but rather a time to wonder if it even mattered.
It took many days of the darkness to see that God did care and the newborn King did matter. My family, hurting as much as me, stood with me. My family in Christ comforted me and held me close, even when not understanding. The darkness was still overwhelming until the night I took God with me for an evening walk.
I’ve spoken of this to a few, but have never written it down. That night, full of frustration, anger, and sadness, I vented to God all that was in my heart. It must have been a sight to anyone nearby, my one-sided conversation. Finally, in a burst of self-pity I yelled out loud, “God do you know what it is like to lose your child?!” The words had scarcely passed my lips when I shuddered with the thought, “My God, what have I just said?”
And almost instantly I heard God gently answer in my heart, “Yes. I do know.”
The rest of the walk was in silence and tears. Even 30 years later, remembering that moment still fills me with emotion.
That night the darkness began to lift.
I began to see that my faith was not in what I could do about the situation, but in the God who did understand and could make right what was upside down.
I had wrestled with the Lord and would never be the same. God has been gracious all these years since. Difficulties still come, but God is always with me and I hear and see reminders of His grace all around me. And I am thankful. Not for the scars, but for the Lord who saw me through, for the world He has brought me to, for the life He has created in me.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year holidays still harbor the distant memories of difficult days. But they also remind me that God is with us, and His son the newborn King, Immanuel “God with Us” will never leave us in the darkness.
“The people who walk in darkness
will see a great light.
For those who live in a land of deep darkness,
a light will shine.” (Isaiah 9:2)
